‘I know nothing’. In early 2016, i came to the realisation that i knew nothing. With a few months left in university, faced with adulthood i began to question myself, doubting myself and questioning everything i knew. Everything no longer made sense.
For the first time in my life i felt completely lost. I was lost and confused, i was sure that i had ‘found’ myself as a teenager, even as a child but now for one reason or another my strong sense of self had evaporated. I no longer knew myself and therefore no longer knew the world in which i was in.
Previously i was dubbed ‘miss goody two shoes’; an over achieving, ‘well rounded’ and ‘put together’ adolescent, who navigated the difficult years with care and grace. I had mastered myself, i knew what i liked, what i wanted and what i needed and i made sure to get it. I was a go getter. I carried this attitude throughout university, volunteering and studying abroad in the four years at uni, always daring to be different, taking the road less travelled.
My approach to life had enabled me to thrive in an environment where people from my background where likely to fail. I was beating the system at it’s own game and i was winning, up until i had the revelation that i knew nothing and that everything i knew about life was to be questioned.
How could i know nothing? How could everything i knew not make sense? What was the point of going to university if i was still asking the questions: “Who am i? What do i want out of life? What are my next steps? What is going on?”.
Had i not answered these questions six years earlier as i entered 6th form? Had i not found myself when i acquired the role of head girl? Had i not found my path when i submitted my UCAS application four years ago? Had my admission to university, my four year course and my 480 credits not answered these questions?
“Who am i? What do i want out of life? What are my next steps? What is going on?”.
I asked myself these questions, i asked anyone that would listen these questions, i prayed to God.
I searched for answers.
The answers have been few. Searching for answers has found me with more doubt than clarity. Everything does not make sense, and for me, someone that is often sure about things, confusion is not something i can deal with.
I have searched high and low, searching for meaning, searching for clarity, searching for certainty. This search has taken me places that i previously would have loved to be in, places where i previously would have avoided and places where i am still unsure about.
At 22 i learnt a great deal about myself. I learnt that i will never stop learning and that i truly am at the beginning of life. I may have a degree and i may have a wealth of experience under my belt however at 23 i still know nothing. I have many questions and i need answers to these questions, but as for now i need to go back to the beginning and learn. Learn who i am, learn who i want to be, learn who i need to be and learn about the world.
Learning is the beginning of wealth. Learning is the beginning of health. Learning is the beginning of spirituality. Searching and learning is where the miracle process all begins.
I vow to continue my journey with an attitude of ‘i know nothing’. The process of searching is that of learning, i want to learn life, i want to learn who i am and whilst searching i vow to enjoy every minute of it. Every minute of the process needs to be felt and enjoyed because the end destination will come and when it comes i will still know nothing.
I say hello to 23 with open arms, i am ready to learn and i am ready to have fun. The past 22 years have been full of accomplishments and i aim to continue however i intend to do so in a manner that is carefree.
I know nothing.